| What is the eternal student? Well quite literally it is | | | | their schedules so as to always be without the |
| one who studies forever. You might say that | | | | correct requirements at the appropriate time to have |
| everyone is in fact an eternal student. But I am | | | | continuous course study. |
| referring to that type of person who is a permanent | | | | Because of these "scheduling mistakes" the students |
| resident in a university. The perks of staying in | | | | must then take alternate classes where they |
| college are numerous-- namely you don't have to pay | | | | "discover" new interests and the same scheduling |
| for your life. Some of the lucky are able to con | | | | problem arises. The most common excuse from such |
| parents into paying for their stay at institutes of | | | | students is that they are using college to "expand |
| higher education, but one can occasionally trick the | | | | their horizons". Despite appearing to have a lack of |
| government and other scholarship organizations into | | | | foresight these students are very conscientious of |
| paying. There are several types of eternal students | | | | timing in courses. The only difficulty with The Multiple |
| ranging from the truly dedicated to the wild partier. | | | | Minor Eternal Student is that after a period of fifteen |
| Most often when one refers to an eternal student | | | | or so years lines of study become restricted. So |
| the automatic assumption is that of the Truly | | | | these students can most often be found petitioning |
| Dedicated Eternal Student. This is often a student | | | | for new majors and can be thanked for many of the |
| who has chosen random and rather bizarre course | | | | more curious majors found in colleges today. |
| work. You most often find these students among | | | | The Lack of Core Eternal Student is another student |
| Classical Studies or History students. The reason is | | | | who fails to meet the prerequisites of graduation. |
| simple. No one cares about those majors except the | | | | These students do, however, study all the course |
| people in them. Who really needs to major in Sanskrit | | | | work required of their major(s). These students |
| anymore? It's a five thousand year old dead | | | | refrain from graduating by failing to meet certain |
| language. So students of these types of majors can | | | | prerequisites of the core curriculum. They are |
| always find something old to study and claim the | | | | different from The Multiple Minors Eternal Student is |
| need to study that fully before they move into "the | | | | that their goal is to receive all credits BUT the core |
| real world". | | | | course whereas The Multiple Minor Eternal Student's |
| These students can always find something else to | | | | goal is to meet ONLY the core course requirements. |
| study because the stuff has been around so darn | | | | Obviously The Lack of Core Eternal Student can only |
| long. Since no one cares about these studies | | | | be found at schools with a core curriculum, preferably |
| anymore these students are free to hide is the | | | | an extensive one. The difficulty with this method of |
| sunlight-deprived coroners of dusty libraries and | | | | study is that the student must work hard in their |
| remain free from responsibility. The major difficulty in | | | | major to counter the effects of their "failed" core |
| being a truly Dedicated Eternal Student is to lie | | | | courses in order to not be kicked out of the school. |
| convincingly enough so that the parents, friends, the | | | | These students are most easily found supporting the |
| university, and financial supporters all believe that the | | | | need for a "liberal arts education"; also know as a |
| student needs to remain ensconced in their studies. | | | | ridiculously extensive and hardly useful core class |
| The Multiple Degrees Eternal Student is a nefarious | | | | requirement. |
| schemer. This student is the only eternal student to | | | | The Eternal Transfer Student also manages their |
| ever actually earn a degree. And not only do they | | | | education so as to avoid gaining any real credit form |
| earn one degree, but they earn several. The primary | | | | a given school. Often these students take a "leave |
| goal of this type of student is to have more letters | | | | of absence" to "explore" other schools. In that way |
| after their name than in their name. They will earn a | | | | they fool the schools that they attend into not giving |
| BA and a BS and an MA, MS, MPH, JD, MBA, MD, | | | | them credit while still remaining in the college lifestyle. |
| PhD, DrPH, and on and on and on. In some ways this | | | | The Eternal Transfer Student must be very astute |
| Eternal Student is the most talented and most | | | | like The Multiple Minors Eternal Student and plan the |
| conniving of all Eternal Students. | | | | course and schools they attend. |
| Not only must they posses the intelligence and talent | | | | If they are very good they can successfully fail to |
| for earning these many degrees but they must | | | | obtain a degree from dozens of universities. The key |
| convince others that they actually need these | | | | to this failure is choosing courses at a given school |
| degrees. The danger, however, in being a Multiple | | | | that do not transfer to another as anything more |
| Degrees eternal student is that, unlike other eternal | | | | than elective credit. A subset of the Eternal Transfer |
| students, these individuals have actually completed | | | | Student is the Eternal Study Abroad Student, who is |
| acceptable levels of education. At some point their | | | | merely a transfer student of foreign universities. This |
| financial support will revolt due to the immense | | | | specialized Eternal Transfer Student is slightly more |
| financial burden these multiple degrees impose and | | | | difficult to maintain, due to the immense expense of |
| the student is generally told to go ahead and utilize | | | | foreign travel. Another common pitfall of the Study |
| their degrees. The best counterattack to this type of | | | | Abroad Student is to unwisely fall in love with a |
| difficulty is to be educated out of any possible job | | | | foreign city or person and to permanently move |
| and so, after a brief interval, return to higher | | | | abroad, therefore putting to end their "studies". |
| education. | | | | The last and most infamous Eternal Student is simply |
| Another study bound eternal student is the Cutting | | | | called The Eternal Party Animal. The name speaks for |
| Edge Eternal Student. These students study material | | | | itself. These students are the students who always |
| on the cutting edge of technology. Often the world | | | | manage to miss class because they are sleeping off |
| assumes these are the students who are first to | | | | a hangover. These students require very gullible |
| venture from the confines of college life. In this the | | | | PARENTS. The government cannot be conned into |
| world is sorely mistaken. Most major advances in | | | | supporting The Party Animal's habits for long. The |
| technology are made by doddering old men and | | | | most common fault among The Party Animal |
| women who made the mistake of leaving college and | | | | Students is carelessness. They are so busy partying |
| have been trying to keep up ever since. True there | | | | they fail to pass enough classes to remain in school. |
| are your Walt Disney's and Bill Gate, the rare | | | | Therefore a smart Party Animal will only attend a |
| examples of young people achieving great | | | | school that is easy and abundant with fraternities and |
| technological successes. But those individuals are few | | | | sororities. Schools that provide that atmosphere are |
| and far between. The Cutting Edge Eternal Student | | | | more likely to be lenient towards The Party Animal |
| insists on learning the latest new technology before | | | | and let him or her thrive. The Greek System is also |
| entering the workforce, so as to be "well prepared". | | | | very supportive of the Party Animal in providing |
| Cleverly enough, by the time they finish learning the | | | | instant friends, abundant booze, and term papers. A |
| last skill there will be new material to be studied. | | | | warning to those considering The Party Animal life: |
| The only problem with study bound eternal students | | | | most former Party Animals die of depression, |
| is that they almost always have enough or more | | | | cirrhosis, or venereal diseases. |
| than enough credits to complete their degree. | | | | The privilege of Eternal Studentdom is not to be |
| Parents or government officials who notice this often | | | | taken lightly. At no other point in your life is it a) |
| require the said student to graduate, putting an end | | | | acceptable that you not know what you are doing b) |
| to their free ride. The Multiple Minors Eternal Student | | | | normal for people to give you excessive amounts of |
| manages to dodge these questions of graduation by | | | | money and c) expected that you will do dumb things. |
| never achieving enough credits to qualify as a major | | | | If you doubt what I say is true just look at all the |
| in any given subject. These students cleverly craft | | | | adults trying to go back to college- it can't be done. |